Losing the Questions

in the last orbit, i wrote about finding my raison d’être within my Quarter-Life Renaissance. and for a time, this was the answer; i found my drive. but i came to realize that solution only “solved” the problem of my work, not the problem of my existence…

every time i move forward, i find myself paralyzed a few months later. colors lose their glow, light doesn’t shine, and trying to find what matters becomes the only thing that matters.

the void

an existential inertia. zooming out, in the grand scheme of things, humans don’t seem to matter at all. nothing we do seems to matter. the earth has been here for billions of years and will remain long after humanity ceases to exist. the world doesn’t revolve around any one person. everyone who lives will eventually die.

We come from an inconceivable nothingness. We stay a while in something which seems equally inconceivable, only to vanish again into the inconceivable nothingness.
— Peter Wessel Zapffe

so then — why am i alive? what is the meaning of life? why bother doing anything at all?

this feeling bleeds into the present. when the only life i know is the one i’m living, it loses its spark. i grow so accustomed to my lifestyle that i forget there are other ways to live. the somber feeling of adaptation keeps me locked in place — unable to move forward or backward, simply enduring the passage of time.

when i was a kid, everything seemed magical. the world felt big, there was so much to explore, and every day was filled with possibility. but as i play the game of life, the novelty wears off. i start to see the same routines, the same people, the same thoughts, the same feelings. life becomes monotonous and dull.

the search

the monotony isn’t the problem — merely a symptom. the paralysis comes from the search itself.

a change in routine seems scary. being unable to predict the outcome makes me uncomfortable, so i lock myself in the comfort zone that feels safe. venturing through unfamiliar territory rarely feels easy. how do i know if i’m making the right choice? what if i fail? what if things get worse?

this ties into a classic psychological trap known as the region-beta paradox, which suggests that we are more likely to change a terrible situation than a mildly bad one. an intolerable (region β) problem triggers our psychological immune system, forcing us to act. but a “just tolerable” (region α) problem, like my “safe” comfort zone, isn’t painful enough to motivate that change. we end up stuck in mediocrity simply because it’s not bad enough to leave.

this fear is a byproduct of overthinking. constantly traveling between the past and the future, never truly living in the moment. imagine going on a trip, thinking about making some memories and taking pictures — thinking about now as if it were the past in the future when looking back on the present… that’s unbelievable time travel, and i used to do it all the time. i was so preoccupied with what could have been or what might be that i missed out on what is.

what makes it worse is that we’re more connected, yet more isolated, than ever before. i’m Opting Out of the Algorithm, preferring in-person connection whenever possible. oxytocin bonds people together, and we lose it when we replace touch and eye contact with taps and videos on a screen.

the release

i’ve realized that life is an impossible puzzle, missing most of its pieces. there are countless ideas and so-called wisdoms that can justify nearly any way of living. they all sound good, but by the same token, none are. all ideas and cliches are both true and false, meaningful and meaningless, depending on where and when and how they are applied.

what’s the point of living if you get everything you want the minute you want it?

the search for “why” is a trap. the meaning of life is not a problem to be solved; it is a reality to be experienced. the joy is in cherishing the little things, in finding beauty in the mundane moments of everyday life.

the measure of wealth is not in possessions, but in the ratio between what i have and what i want. one isn’t necessarily richer for owning more, or poorer for owning less. and i can feel content in the moment not because i’ve found all the answers, but because i’ve lost the questions.

when i stop searching for meaning, i find meaning in simply being.